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30 October 2006 : break (down) time.
i love/hate the idea that everything is relative.
you remember everything imperfectly, but so perfectly are you situated that you can't quite comprehend your misinterpretation.
how does anyone compare versions of suffering? culturization, socialization, these things ensure that what makes you suffer won't make everyone else suffer and vice versa.
i think that's what bothers the most.
i liked the feel of your hands cupped around mine lighting a cigarette in the wind, but that just makes you another sunny afternoon. something else tall and dark and warm that i can see without having.
western notions of certainty and entitlement baffle the rest of the world but to me are just more causes of insomnia. i don't even know where to start.
for the record, i don't have the time to worry about these things and i don't want to have the time to worry about these things. i want to drink cold water and read my books, write more papers and sleep solid for eight hours a night. i want to walk assured into rooms full of the unknown. that's what i've focused on this past year or so, and i was doing very well until i lost my focus a few months ago.
i think things are back on track, but precariously may hit hiatus status for a while simply because writing what's worth posting is not currently in the cards.
the plans for now include marathon library sessions, carefully worded emails to professors who've never heard of me, studying for the gre, developing a moderately not-pathetic curriculum vitae, learning about burma and trying to find a pair of shoes to wear through the winter.
i am not suffering but wanting. and that's what i've always done best. i'm only just now figuring out that it's only the wanting that depends on no one but me that's worth my time and effort.
everything else is just decoration.
posted by lindsay at 23:06 ::
i love/hate the idea that everything is relative.
you remember everything imperfectly, but so perfectly are you situated that you can't quite comprehend your misinterpretation.
how does anyone compare versions of suffering? culturization, socialization, these things ensure that what makes you suffer won't make everyone else suffer and vice versa.
i think that's what bothers the most.
i liked the feel of your hands cupped around mine lighting a cigarette in the wind, but that just makes you another sunny afternoon. something else tall and dark and warm that i can see without having.
western notions of certainty and entitlement baffle the rest of the world but to me are just more causes of insomnia. i don't even know where to start.
for the record, i don't have the time to worry about these things and i don't want to have the time to worry about these things. i want to drink cold water and read my books, write more papers and sleep solid for eight hours a night. i want to walk assured into rooms full of the unknown. that's what i've focused on this past year or so, and i was doing very well until i lost my focus a few months ago.
i think things are back on track, but precariously may hit hiatus status for a while simply because writing what's worth posting is not currently in the cards.
the plans for now include marathon library sessions, carefully worded emails to professors who've never heard of me, studying for the gre, developing a moderately not-pathetic curriculum vitae, learning about burma and trying to find a pair of shoes to wear through the winter.
i am not suffering but wanting. and that's what i've always done best. i'm only just now figuring out that it's only the wanting that depends on no one but me that's worth my time and effort.
everything else is just decoration.
Labels: Blog vomit, When I grow up
posted by lindsay at 23:06 ::