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28 February 2007 : disjointed, disoriented.
switch hitting in the gray area is making me understandably skittish. there's all crawling and leaping under my skin, words bouncing off words and leaving a smattering of dust that won't rinse off in the shower.
it's like, lately, everything fits together - but in incredibly complicated ways. and i know that once i figure out how it all slides into place and interlocks, then i'm going to have it so easy. but for now all i can do is sit around and try to visualize all the pathways from above to find the quickest route, though i've only seen them from the inside (and there is definitely a minotaur around here somewhere).
maybe i shouldn't be looking for the quickest route. maybe i should be glad to plod along, with at least something to occupy my head in still moments.
but it all fits. and the weight of not knowing is dragging against me, dragging me down, there's this untold pressure laid across my hips, forcing my bones into unfamiliar configurations. dust again. it won't rinse off in the shower.
i know somewhere that i am maintaining the bare minimum of necessity. that gray area is between exceeded expectations and unmet hopes. it's all standing back waiting for me to make a move, and i'm confident and posed, i just don't yet have all the information i need.
work is good. refugees are spectacular. friends and family, they're good. theatre season starts in less than two weeks. i have school, i have books and miniseries and homework, and i have a concrete plan for at least the next three years. i'm just a little dazed.
and this:
are we gonna make a habit of this? she asks, as they bump into each other the third time in so many days.
i kind of hope so, he replies, all beard and steady hands.
she laughs delightedly and he looks worried, maybe not catching the meaning. why's that funny?
her smile hasn't faded. it's one of those days. it was just the best possible answer.
posted by lindsay at 21:33 :: 0 comments
: weirdest thing ever
today, i bought a dress.
and i'm totally going to wear it.
posted by lindsay at 21:29 :: 0 comments
17 February 2007 : 50$ dollars at the local kmart
and it is so absolutely the right time to start over.
you, you, and you - you're off the list.
don't keep me in mind, unless you're that certain director of graduate studies and we're talking about first year funding. then, please know that i have a pleasant smile and can write a 10 page A research paper in two hours.
on that note, i'm headed home to empty my bucket and take an exam over native american religions. and probably watch some angel.
i'm awfully pretty tonight.
posted by lindsay at 20:51 :: 4 comments
: variations on a theme
dear everything that's gone wrong in the last week:
don't you think enough is enough? honestly, how am i still standing?
car trouble - check
leaky roof >> collapsed ceiling >> wet, dirty, plaster-covered clothes - check
at&t order totally screwed up, resulting in 50$ worth of extra charges - check
paycheck officially eight days late - check
six phone calls in a two hour period while i was sleeping today - check
people at internship acting like i'm a slacker who doesn't care - check
continuing snow >> inevitable delay in repairs >> continuing leaky roof - check
at&t order taking several extra days due to snow, thus STILL no internet - check
i hate you.
love,
lindsay
my beautiful, enormous walk in closet is no longer covered in an inch of water - now it's tarped off and there is a 5 gallon bucket in the middle catching the single stream (rather than the nine that were in various places last night). my carpet is soaked. all of my clothes are soaked. the back half of my apartment smells like rotting wood and rotting leaves and stagnant water. i had to throw out, ruined and soaking wet, the collection of every typography and graphic design magazine i've bought for the last 6 years (we're talking, hundreds of dollars worth of magazines). my punching bag stand has been wet for days, i can't move it, and it's probably going to start rusting. i've been sleeping on the couch because it's so cold in my bedroom. i can't leave the house for more than three hours at a time, because that's how long it takes to fill the five gallon bucket.
yes, i'm feeling very sorry for myself. i've been living in this apartment for exactly two weeks now. two fucking weeks. but hey, you should have been around thursday - i made premenstrual HISTORY with the fiasco that was my hormones on thursday.
dear everything else that's planning on going wrong:
i will cut you so bad you will wish i didn't cut you so bad.
no love,
lindsay
posted by lindsay at 20:07 :: 1 comments
14 February 2007 : change of heart
dear snow emergency:
if i have to spend one more fucking hour sitting in my apartment without internet access, watching angel season 4 and drinking hot chocolate, i am going to kill someone.
this morning, my downstairs neighbor kindly helped me dig/push/rev my car out of the six inches of frozen snow that surrounded it. i repayed him with a pack of pall malls, a mountain dew, and getting stuck trying to get BACK IN to my parking space, which required more digging/pushing/revving. all in all, my run to the gas station took two hours.
i'm at the coffeeshop right now.
i walked. it was the most difficult, harrowing block of my life. i'm very tired.
also, my car is now making this rapid PUT PUT PUT sound, and won't go above 2000 rpms no matter how far down the gas pedal is pushed. we'll forgive this one in part, snow emergency, simply because i'm under warranty for another couple thousand.
i just want to hang out with my friends, and drive without mortal peril, and take my refugees to the bank (THAT was a fun phone call, trying to explain to some southeast asians with minimal esl skills that i wasn't coming to take them to the bank because it was a snow day).
i'm so bored. and lonely. and annoyed. and bored. and hopeful that some kind gentleman with a truck will offer me a ride home.
fuck you, snow emergency.
lindsay.
posted by lindsay at 17:42 :: 2 comments
13 February 2007 : you're my medicine
dear snow emergency:
i would like to thank you for allowing me a tuesday off. indeed, i am required neither to go to work nor to go to school. in fact, going to school would find me in an empty dark classroom with no one to talk to, and going to work would find me driving illegally through several counties under emergency declaration.
now, i do have a few bones to pick, snow emergency. first, you should have reminded me last night to pick up coffee filters so that i would not be stranded coffeeless in my apartment (fear not; i made it to the coffeeshop and am perfectly capable of using a paper towel).
second, did it really need to be a tuesday? honestly, classes were cancelled last tuesday, too, and that means that this is the third week in a row i have been unable to attend my african diaspora class.
i really like that class.
all in all, however, i'm greatful for your presence in my life, snow emergency. any day wherein i can sit around watching angel season four and drinking hot chocolate, instead of squeezing into a pair of ill-fitting black pants and a gray polo shirt in order to professionally print and hang ad signs at a major electronics retailer?
okay by me.
love,
lindsay
posted by lindsay at 10:43 :: 3 comments
02 February 2007 : but what will you wear?
i waited longer than i wanted for this post, but i wanted to make sure that all the important people got the information firsthand. and in all fairness, i wasn't expecting to know for several more weeks, so you all are getting the news earlier than anyone could have dreamed, despite my self imposed delay.
what i'm saying is, i found a letter on the dining room table this morning. i don't know how long it had been there, but it's been at least a day, since we don't get our mail until early evening.
it was small, and that frightened me a little, but like i said, i wasn't expecting the news just yet, so i thought it perhaps pertained to something else.
but when i opened it, it said, essentially:
dear lindsay,
we love you, too. please come and play with us next fall.
love,
the university of kentucky
so there you have it, folks. in six months, i'm moving to lexington. and approximately 6 - 8 years after that, i'm going to be dr. lindsay.
cheers.
posted by lindsay at 20:18 :: 3 comments
switch hitting in the gray area is making me understandably skittish. there's all crawling and leaping under my skin, words bouncing off words and leaving a smattering of dust that won't rinse off in the shower.
it's like, lately, everything fits together - but in incredibly complicated ways. and i know that once i figure out how it all slides into place and interlocks, then i'm going to have it so easy. but for now all i can do is sit around and try to visualize all the pathways from above to find the quickest route, though i've only seen them from the inside (and there is definitely a minotaur around here somewhere).
maybe i shouldn't be looking for the quickest route. maybe i should be glad to plod along, with at least something to occupy my head in still moments.
but it all fits. and the weight of not knowing is dragging against me, dragging me down, there's this untold pressure laid across my hips, forcing my bones into unfamiliar configurations. dust again. it won't rinse off in the shower.
i know somewhere that i am maintaining the bare minimum of necessity. that gray area is between exceeded expectations and unmet hopes. it's all standing back waiting for me to make a move, and i'm confident and posed, i just don't yet have all the information i need.
work is good. refugees are spectacular. friends and family, they're good. theatre season starts in less than two weeks. i have school, i have books and miniseries and homework, and i have a concrete plan for at least the next three years. i'm just a little dazed.
and this:
are we gonna make a habit of this? she asks, as they bump into each other the third time in so many days.
i kind of hope so, he replies, all beard and steady hands.
she laughs delightedly and he looks worried, maybe not catching the meaning. why's that funny?
her smile hasn't faded. it's one of those days. it was just the best possible answer.
posted by lindsay at 21:33 :: 0 comments
: weirdest thing ever
today, i bought a dress.
and i'm totally going to wear it.
posted by lindsay at 21:29 :: 0 comments
17 February 2007 : 50$ dollars at the local kmart
and it is so absolutely the right time to start over.
you, you, and you - you're off the list.
don't keep me in mind, unless you're that certain director of graduate studies and we're talking about first year funding. then, please know that i have a pleasant smile and can write a 10 page A research paper in two hours.
on that note, i'm headed home to empty my bucket and take an exam over native american religions. and probably watch some angel.
i'm awfully pretty tonight.
posted by lindsay at 20:51 :: 4 comments
: variations on a theme
dear everything that's gone wrong in the last week:
don't you think enough is enough? honestly, how am i still standing?
car trouble - check
leaky roof >> collapsed ceiling >> wet, dirty, plaster-covered clothes - check
at&t order totally screwed up, resulting in 50$ worth of extra charges - check
paycheck officially eight days late - check
six phone calls in a two hour period while i was sleeping today - check
people at internship acting like i'm a slacker who doesn't care - check
continuing snow >> inevitable delay in repairs >> continuing leaky roof - check
at&t order taking several extra days due to snow, thus STILL no internet - check
i hate you.
love,
lindsay
my beautiful, enormous walk in closet is no longer covered in an inch of water - now it's tarped off and there is a 5 gallon bucket in the middle catching the single stream (rather than the nine that were in various places last night). my carpet is soaked. all of my clothes are soaked. the back half of my apartment smells like rotting wood and rotting leaves and stagnant water. i had to throw out, ruined and soaking wet, the collection of every typography and graphic design magazine i've bought for the last 6 years (we're talking, hundreds of dollars worth of magazines). my punching bag stand has been wet for days, i can't move it, and it's probably going to start rusting. i've been sleeping on the couch because it's so cold in my bedroom. i can't leave the house for more than three hours at a time, because that's how long it takes to fill the five gallon bucket.
yes, i'm feeling very sorry for myself. i've been living in this apartment for exactly two weeks now. two fucking weeks. but hey, you should have been around thursday - i made premenstrual HISTORY with the fiasco that was my hormones on thursday.
dear everything else that's planning on going wrong:
i will cut you so bad you will wish i didn't cut you so bad.
no love,
lindsay
posted by lindsay at 20:07 :: 1 comments
14 February 2007 : change of heart
dear snow emergency:
if i have to spend one more fucking hour sitting in my apartment without internet access, watching angel season 4 and drinking hot chocolate, i am going to kill someone.
this morning, my downstairs neighbor kindly helped me dig/push/rev my car out of the six inches of frozen snow that surrounded it. i repayed him with a pack of pall malls, a mountain dew, and getting stuck trying to get BACK IN to my parking space, which required more digging/pushing/revving. all in all, my run to the gas station took two hours.
i'm at the coffeeshop right now.
i walked. it was the most difficult, harrowing block of my life. i'm very tired.
also, my car is now making this rapid PUT PUT PUT sound, and won't go above 2000 rpms no matter how far down the gas pedal is pushed. we'll forgive this one in part, snow emergency, simply because i'm under warranty for another couple thousand.
i just want to hang out with my friends, and drive without mortal peril, and take my refugees to the bank (THAT was a fun phone call, trying to explain to some southeast asians with minimal esl skills that i wasn't coming to take them to the bank because it was a snow day).
i'm so bored. and lonely. and annoyed. and bored. and hopeful that some kind gentleman with a truck will offer me a ride home.
fuck you, snow emergency.
lindsay.
posted by lindsay at 17:42 :: 2 comments
13 February 2007 : you're my medicine
dear snow emergency:
i would like to thank you for allowing me a tuesday off. indeed, i am required neither to go to work nor to go to school. in fact, going to school would find me in an empty dark classroom with no one to talk to, and going to work would find me driving illegally through several counties under emergency declaration.
now, i do have a few bones to pick, snow emergency. first, you should have reminded me last night to pick up coffee filters so that i would not be stranded coffeeless in my apartment (fear not; i made it to the coffeeshop and am perfectly capable of using a paper towel).
second, did it really need to be a tuesday? honestly, classes were cancelled last tuesday, too, and that means that this is the third week in a row i have been unable to attend my african diaspora class.
i really like that class.
all in all, however, i'm greatful for your presence in my life, snow emergency. any day wherein i can sit around watching angel season four and drinking hot chocolate, instead of squeezing into a pair of ill-fitting black pants and a gray polo shirt in order to professionally print and hang ad signs at a major electronics retailer?
okay by me.
love,
lindsay
posted by lindsay at 10:43 :: 3 comments
02 February 2007 : but what will you wear?
i waited longer than i wanted for this post, but i wanted to make sure that all the important people got the information firsthand. and in all fairness, i wasn't expecting to know for several more weeks, so you all are getting the news earlier than anyone could have dreamed, despite my self imposed delay.
what i'm saying is, i found a letter on the dining room table this morning. i don't know how long it had been there, but it's been at least a day, since we don't get our mail until early evening.
it was small, and that frightened me a little, but like i said, i wasn't expecting the news just yet, so i thought it perhaps pertained to something else.
but when i opened it, it said, essentially:
dear lindsay,
we love you, too. please come and play with us next fall.
love,
the university of kentucky
so there you have it, folks. in six months, i'm moving to lexington. and approximately 6 - 8 years after that, i'm going to be dr. lindsay.
cheers.
Labels: When I grow up
posted by lindsay at 20:18 :: 3 comments