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04 November 2006 : hmd, part 3
a single night.
five friends.
four cocktails.
two main events (one strange but entertaining, one shameful).
walking around trying too hard. like wearing a badge.
my hair was pinned back and it felt like i was made entirely of eyes.
the words graceful and sinful, they seem to interlock like puzzle pieces. sliding out of the mouth so easily.
this is not what matters. i hope my big mouth doesn't get me into trouble. playing it cool turns brittle when you're being questioned about something you would give anything to make inconsequential. i don't even know him.
nighttime on the couch was mostly satisfied. there will always be something to want, but i carried home with me the strangest satisfaction. listened to the cure and sang until my throat hurt.
surreal sunday morning. too much gin, cigarettes still scraping at my chest, someone's lips on my surprised mouth, 38th street fuzzy behind dry eyes.
i would like to reiterate that a man's word is his bond, and i'm still busy being that girl.
posted by lindsay at 23:13 :: 0 comments
30 October 2006 : break (down) time.
i love/hate the idea that everything is relative.
you remember everything imperfectly, but so perfectly are you situated that you can't quite comprehend your misinterpretation.
how does anyone compare versions of suffering? culturization, socialization, these things ensure that what makes you suffer won't make everyone else suffer and vice versa.
i think that's what bothers the most.
i liked the feel of your hands cupped around mine lighting a cigarette in the wind, but that just makes you another sunny afternoon. something else tall and dark and warm that i can see without having.
western notions of certainty and entitlement baffle the rest of the world but to me are just more causes of insomnia. i don't even know where to start.
for the record, i don't have the time to worry about these things and i don't want to have the time to worry about these things. i want to drink cold water and read my books, write more papers and sleep solid for eight hours a night. i want to walk assured into rooms full of the unknown. that's what i've focused on this past year or so, and i was doing very well until i lost my focus a few months ago.
i think things are back on track, but precariously may hit hiatus status for a while simply because writing what's worth posting is not currently in the cards.
the plans for now include marathon library sessions, carefully worded emails to professors who've never heard of me, studying for the gre, developing a moderately not-pathetic curriculum vitae, learning about burma and trying to find a pair of shoes to wear through the winter.
i am not suffering but wanting. and that's what i've always done best. i'm only just now figuring out that it's only the wanting that depends on no one but me that's worth my time and effort.
everything else is just decoration.
posted by lindsay at 23:06 :: 0 comments
23 October 2006 : keep thinking what you're thinking.
it's late and i still have a lot of stuff to finish before tomorrow arrives, so i am of course busy being preoccupied with thoughts that haven't been bothering me otherwise.
i'm thinking about my nephew's beautiful blue eyes and wishing i had time to see him more often and how adorable just seems to run in our family. and wondering if the reason i've liked blue eyes this year (for the first time) is because of that beautiful little baby. pictures on this forthcoming.
and i'm thinking about how, sometimes, its a lot of fun to want something. and that anticipation is delicious. but currently, wanting something is just a pain in my ass and i'm really tired of it. anticipation and trepidation are far too close in kinship, as far as i'm concerned.
i'm thinking about how strange it is that i hate myself in the mirror in my bedroom all the time, but sometimes the mirror in the upstairs bathroom is okay (even with it's outrageously unflattering lighting), and the mirror in the downstairs bathroom is mostly okay, but i always love my reflection in the kitchen windows.
and i'm thinking about the last man i kissed and how it's strange and sad that he was the last man that i kissed, mostly because it didn't mean all that much other than we were bored and it was so long ago. but he's a really good kisser.
i'm thinking about how many things i want to accomplish and whether or not i'll really finish with anything to which i'm not obligated in some way. for example, learning to play the piano or reading everything herman hesse ever wrote.
i'm thinking about how it's really funny to be ashamed of the way you feel about something; ashamed in the way that you don't want to tell anyone about it and you lie about it so you don't have to be judged. and how i used to believe that every emotion was validated by virtue of its existence, but i don't believe that anymore. because the way i'm feeling about a couple of things right now render useless the comfortable image i have of the woman i'm becoming, or trying to become.
i'm thinking about how i really hope i have enough extra money next week to be a really big dumbass and get another tattoo; it's going to be freaking beautiful. i'll tell you more about it when it happens, but just let me reiterate how excited i am about the archaeology of capitalism and those stupid colonial gardens.
but mostly, i'm thinking about how little i really care about jewish perspectives on euthanasia, at least at one on a monday morning, and that papers are a waste of my time. which is just a symptom of my procrastination disease, so i'm gonna go finish this so i can go to sleep.
good night.
[addendum: i'm thinking about how someone found this site by searching for "totally lindsay" and how much i loved totally minnie when i was a kid and i made my parents videotape it and it was on the same tape with flight of the navigator and i watched it every day after school for approximately two years. and how annoying it is that i have "don't go breakin' my heart" stuck in my head now.]
posted by lindsay at 00:50 :: 1 comments
09 October 2006 : interested parties only.
i am currently engaged in preparation for a week long formal debate in my religious ethics class which considers questions about the legality and morality of physician assisted suicide and oregon's 1994 death with dignity act.
in keeping with my promise to challenge myself and stay busy as much as possible this year (i'm experimenting with success outcomes - too much free time has proven to make me lethargic and delivering dazzling displays of academic mediocrity), i signed up as a support for the petitioners - that is, those who opposed legalized physician assisted suicide for competent terminally ill patients. i wanted to see if i could properly support something i do not believe in at all.
this morning, i wrote the following:
Similarly, in Washington, California, Michigan and Maine voters have rejected initiatives which would have similarly legalized physician assisted suicide in their respective states. Clearly the people of this country have demonstrated their feelings on the matter. That the state of Oregon, backed by the Supreme Court of the United States, has chosen to uphold this law flows against the current of popular public opinion of this country and undermines the authority and decision making capacity of the federal government. As all states are governed by the provisions of the Controlled Substances Act, Oregon has no authority to allow physician assisted suicide by way of lethal dosage.
now, i know this is for school. and i know i did this deliberately to better evaluate the scope of my capabilities. still, that paragraph (among others which are similarly shudder-inducing), will be presented to a professor i admire in pure black and white on a paper that has my name clearly affixed at the top.
basically, i feel like i walked into the oval office, took off my pants and said "good morning, sir. how would you like me to take it?"
following the conclusion of the debate next monday, i am sure things will have only gotten worse. i can only hope that oppressed minorities, terminally ill patients with low quality of life and the forefathers of this country can forgive me.
stay tuned. tomorrow, i'll be buying a girdle, embarking on the atkins diet, burning all my rock and roll records, and attending confession in order to ensure i'm properly absolved and capable of recieving our lord and savior jesus christ in communion on sunday morning.
posted by lindsay at 10:01 :: 8 comments
03 October 2006 : green-eyed monster
everyone who doesn't have to do my job tomorrow morning.
jenny about whom the mountain goats song "jenny" was written.
scarily intuitive songwriters.
girls with inseams longer than 25 inches.
my cat and his life.
hairy mary underpants, who is living in china without me right now.
- since that's all i can think of, i'll conclude my life is pretty great right now.
posted by lindsay at 21:02 :: 1 comments
27 September 2006 : the dilemma is most obvious
on monday night, i heard a song that for a brief moment, made me wish to never hear another song. ever again.
it was that good.
i was afraid other music would hurt it.
i am unfortunately unable to share it with you, but i thought at least someone could rest assured knowing that it existed.
sleep easy tonight.
posted by lindsay at 20:06 :: 0 comments
07 August 2006 : steady, steady.
this weekend has nudged me into the bumbling (not humbling) realization that i am wildly curious to see just exactly all the things of which i am capable.
little tiny parts of me are changing without asking permission; there's a new piece down there somewhere that knows how to gracefully repel a drunken, would-be customer from the theatre and a new piece down there somewhere that honestly believes i wear myself with grace.
i rediscovered last night the way that music used to make me feel - the kind of deep down pain of loving something too much, or just being in the right place at the right time.
one particular song blasted everything in the world out of existence except this: warm wind, the sweet smell of my hair, nervous bubbles of laughter about the intricacy of emotion involved in the song, and the lights of east washington street late at night. i sighed, felt my soft skin from the inside out, glanced at everything around me and said "yes." it was mine.
another lovely weekend at the irving, replete with kind, friendly people. i love this city and i love this life. maybe "humbling" could fit in there somewhere; i'm surrounded by elegance.
everything's moving forward and for once, i like that.
posted by lindsay at 12:56 :: 2 comments
11 April 2005 : hello mrs. dalloway
you know,
i am not the dangerous one.
i just want to shrug off the weight of this body and walk around without it for a while.
pay attention to something else; you're acting like a child.
no.
i am not the dangerous one, i will not push you.
i'm the waiting type, i'm the falling type. i find the dangerous ones; they give definition to my blurred edges.
fair warning.
posted by lindsay at 23:28 :: 0 comments
a single night.
five friends.
four cocktails.
two main events (one strange but entertaining, one shameful).
walking around trying too hard. like wearing a badge.
my hair was pinned back and it felt like i was made entirely of eyes.
the words graceful and sinful, they seem to interlock like puzzle pieces. sliding out of the mouth so easily.
this is not what matters. i hope my big mouth doesn't get me into trouble. playing it cool turns brittle when you're being questioned about something you would give anything to make inconsequential. i don't even know him.
nighttime on the couch was mostly satisfied. there will always be something to want, but i carried home with me the strangest satisfaction. listened to the cure and sang until my throat hurt.
surreal sunday morning. too much gin, cigarettes still scraping at my chest, someone's lips on my surprised mouth, 38th street fuzzy behind dry eyes.
i would like to reiterate that a man's word is his bond, and i'm still busy being that girl.
Labels: Blog vomit
posted by lindsay at 23:13 :: 0 comments
30 October 2006 : break (down) time.
i love/hate the idea that everything is relative.
you remember everything imperfectly, but so perfectly are you situated that you can't quite comprehend your misinterpretation.
how does anyone compare versions of suffering? culturization, socialization, these things ensure that what makes you suffer won't make everyone else suffer and vice versa.
i think that's what bothers the most.
i liked the feel of your hands cupped around mine lighting a cigarette in the wind, but that just makes you another sunny afternoon. something else tall and dark and warm that i can see without having.
western notions of certainty and entitlement baffle the rest of the world but to me are just more causes of insomnia. i don't even know where to start.
for the record, i don't have the time to worry about these things and i don't want to have the time to worry about these things. i want to drink cold water and read my books, write more papers and sleep solid for eight hours a night. i want to walk assured into rooms full of the unknown. that's what i've focused on this past year or so, and i was doing very well until i lost my focus a few months ago.
i think things are back on track, but precariously may hit hiatus status for a while simply because writing what's worth posting is not currently in the cards.
the plans for now include marathon library sessions, carefully worded emails to professors who've never heard of me, studying for the gre, developing a moderately not-pathetic curriculum vitae, learning about burma and trying to find a pair of shoes to wear through the winter.
i am not suffering but wanting. and that's what i've always done best. i'm only just now figuring out that it's only the wanting that depends on no one but me that's worth my time and effort.
everything else is just decoration.
Labels: Blog vomit, When I grow up
posted by lindsay at 23:06 :: 0 comments
23 October 2006 : keep thinking what you're thinking.
it's late and i still have a lot of stuff to finish before tomorrow arrives, so i am of course busy being preoccupied with thoughts that haven't been bothering me otherwise.
i'm thinking about my nephew's beautiful blue eyes and wishing i had time to see him more often and how adorable just seems to run in our family. and wondering if the reason i've liked blue eyes this year (for the first time) is because of that beautiful little baby. pictures on this forthcoming.
and i'm thinking about how, sometimes, its a lot of fun to want something. and that anticipation is delicious. but currently, wanting something is just a pain in my ass and i'm really tired of it. anticipation and trepidation are far too close in kinship, as far as i'm concerned.
i'm thinking about how strange it is that i hate myself in the mirror in my bedroom all the time, but sometimes the mirror in the upstairs bathroom is okay (even with it's outrageously unflattering lighting), and the mirror in the downstairs bathroom is mostly okay, but i always love my reflection in the kitchen windows.
and i'm thinking about the last man i kissed and how it's strange and sad that he was the last man that i kissed, mostly because it didn't mean all that much other than we were bored and it was so long ago. but he's a really good kisser.
i'm thinking about how many things i want to accomplish and whether or not i'll really finish with anything to which i'm not obligated in some way. for example, learning to play the piano or reading everything herman hesse ever wrote.
i'm thinking about how it's really funny to be ashamed of the way you feel about something; ashamed in the way that you don't want to tell anyone about it and you lie about it so you don't have to be judged. and how i used to believe that every emotion was validated by virtue of its existence, but i don't believe that anymore. because the way i'm feeling about a couple of things right now render useless the comfortable image i have of the woman i'm becoming, or trying to become.
i'm thinking about how i really hope i have enough extra money next week to be a really big dumbass and get another tattoo; it's going to be freaking beautiful. i'll tell you more about it when it happens, but just let me reiterate how excited i am about the archaeology of capitalism and those stupid colonial gardens.
but mostly, i'm thinking about how little i really care about jewish perspectives on euthanasia, at least at one on a monday morning, and that papers are a waste of my time. which is just a symptom of my procrastination disease, so i'm gonna go finish this so i can go to sleep.
good night.
[addendum: i'm thinking about how someone found this site by searching for "totally lindsay" and how much i loved totally minnie when i was a kid and i made my parents videotape it and it was on the same tape with flight of the navigator and i watched it every day after school for approximately two years. and how annoying it is that i have "don't go breakin' my heart" stuck in my head now.]
Labels: Blog vomit
posted by lindsay at 00:50 :: 1 comments
09 October 2006 : interested parties only.
i am currently engaged in preparation for a week long formal debate in my religious ethics class which considers questions about the legality and morality of physician assisted suicide and oregon's 1994 death with dignity act.
in keeping with my promise to challenge myself and stay busy as much as possible this year (i'm experimenting with success outcomes - too much free time has proven to make me lethargic and delivering dazzling displays of academic mediocrity), i signed up as a support for the petitioners - that is, those who opposed legalized physician assisted suicide for competent terminally ill patients. i wanted to see if i could properly support something i do not believe in at all.
this morning, i wrote the following:
Similarly, in Washington, California, Michigan and Maine voters have rejected initiatives which would have similarly legalized physician assisted suicide in their respective states. Clearly the people of this country have demonstrated their feelings on the matter. That the state of Oregon, backed by the Supreme Court of the United States, has chosen to uphold this law flows against the current of popular public opinion of this country and undermines the authority and decision making capacity of the federal government. As all states are governed by the provisions of the Controlled Substances Act, Oregon has no authority to allow physician assisted suicide by way of lethal dosage.
now, i know this is for school. and i know i did this deliberately to better evaluate the scope of my capabilities. still, that paragraph (among others which are similarly shudder-inducing), will be presented to a professor i admire in pure black and white on a paper that has my name clearly affixed at the top.
basically, i feel like i walked into the oval office, took off my pants and said "good morning, sir. how would you like me to take it?"
following the conclusion of the debate next monday, i am sure things will have only gotten worse. i can only hope that oppressed minorities, terminally ill patients with low quality of life and the forefathers of this country can forgive me.
stay tuned. tomorrow, i'll be buying a girdle, embarking on the atkins diet, burning all my rock and roll records, and attending confession in order to ensure i'm properly absolved and capable of recieving our lord and savior jesus christ in communion on sunday morning.
Labels: Blog vomit
posted by lindsay at 10:01 :: 8 comments
03 October 2006 : green-eyed monster
everyone who doesn't have to do my job tomorrow morning.
jenny about whom the mountain goats song "jenny" was written.
scarily intuitive songwriters.
girls with inseams longer than 25 inches.
my cat and his life.
hairy mary underpants, who is living in china without me right now.
- since that's all i can think of, i'll conclude my life is pretty great right now.
Labels: Blog vomit
posted by lindsay at 21:02 :: 1 comments
27 September 2006 : the dilemma is most obvious
on monday night, i heard a song that for a brief moment, made me wish to never hear another song. ever again.
it was that good.
i was afraid other music would hurt it.
i am unfortunately unable to share it with you, but i thought at least someone could rest assured knowing that it existed.
sleep easy tonight.
Labels: Blog vomit
posted by lindsay at 20:06 :: 0 comments
07 August 2006 : steady, steady.
this weekend has nudged me into the bumbling (not humbling) realization that i am wildly curious to see just exactly all the things of which i am capable.
little tiny parts of me are changing without asking permission; there's a new piece down there somewhere that knows how to gracefully repel a drunken, would-be customer from the theatre and a new piece down there somewhere that honestly believes i wear myself with grace.
i rediscovered last night the way that music used to make me feel - the kind of deep down pain of loving something too much, or just being in the right place at the right time.
one particular song blasted everything in the world out of existence except this: warm wind, the sweet smell of my hair, nervous bubbles of laughter about the intricacy of emotion involved in the song, and the lights of east washington street late at night. i sighed, felt my soft skin from the inside out, glanced at everything around me and said "yes." it was mine.
another lovely weekend at the irving, replete with kind, friendly people. i love this city and i love this life. maybe "humbling" could fit in there somewhere; i'm surrounded by elegance.
everything's moving forward and for once, i like that.
Labels: Blog vomit, Two steps forward
posted by lindsay at 12:56 :: 2 comments
11 April 2005 : hello mrs. dalloway
you know,
i am not the dangerous one.
i just want to shrug off the weight of this body and walk around without it for a while.
pay attention to something else; you're acting like a child.
no.
i am not the dangerous one, i will not push you.
i'm the waiting type, i'm the falling type. i find the dangerous ones; they give definition to my blurred edges.
fair warning.
Labels: Blog vomit
posted by lindsay at 23:28 :: 0 comments